dumb ass

gunslinger girl Murder changes people, and not usually for the better.

Say you’re an 11 or 12 year old girl.  You’d be in what?, sixth grade?  I don’t know exactly what is the new hotness with sixth graders these days, but something tells me it isn’t butterfly knives and Glocks.  Unless you are Mindy Macready.  If you are Mindy you don’t want a puppy or a fun makeover for your birthday, you want a fancy set of blades and the chance to settle your dad’s scores with the local drug kingpin.

(SPOILERS, but honestly if you haven’t seen this piece of crap yet, don’t waste a precious Netflix slot on it)

Kick Ass is nominally about Dave, a high school loser who decides one day for no apparent reason to don a costume and fight crime.  He calls himself Kick Ass and the first time he actually tries stop evildoers he gets his ass kicked and nearly dies.  His injuries leave him with some metal plates and enough damaged nerves that he doesn’t feel much pain.   So one night, while he’s out using his superhero skills finding lost cats, he stumbles into some kind of beat down and defends the victim.  Someone films it, it gets on the internet, and a fake superhero is born.  Dave doesn’t actually do any crime-fighting past that point, preferring instead to sit in his room and moon over the pretty girl who thinks he’s gay and answer his (or rather Kick Ass’s) MySpace mail.  The pretty girl sends a request to Kick Ass for help getting a creepy guy out of her life and when Dave answers the call, he finds  himself in a den of murderous thugs (and one might wonder just exactly how Pretty Girl got herself mixed up with such a rough crowd…).   Enter Hit Girl (Mindy) and Big Daddy (her father, played by Nicholas Cage).  They kill everyone in the room but Dave, and all of sudden Dave finds himself playing in the big leagues.  Big Daddy and Hit Girl are on a mission and they don’t fuck around.

Back in the day, Big Daddy was a cop and when he refused to go to the dark side the local crime boss had him set up and sent to prison.  While he was away, his wife got depressed, overdosed, and died right after giving birth to their only child, the precocious Mindy.  When Big Daddy got out of prison he devoted his life (and Mindy’s) to getting revenge on the crime boss.   This is the war that Dave suddenly finds himself in.  Suffice to say the crime boss mistakenly believes that Kick Ass is responsible for the rising body count among his henchmen and orders him dead at all costs.  They aren’t too successful until the crime boss’ son Chris pretends to be Red Mist, another “ordinary guy superhero” inspired by Kick Ass and lures Dave to a lonely warehouse owned by his father.   They arrive to find it in flames and full of dead henchmen, but as a result the crime boss discovers who has really been killing his men.  He uses his son again to capture both Big Daddy and Kick Ass and is in the process of murdering them live on the internet when Hit Girl arrives and kills everyone.  She’s not in time to save her grievously injured father and he dies telling her what a good girl she is.  The rest of the movie is Hit Girl and Kick Ass fulfilling Big Daddy’s dreams of revenge.  It involves another pile of bodies and at least one gratuitous explosion.

This movie was horrid on just about every level.  Almost without exception the acting was lackluster (and just what the hell has happened to Nicholas Cage?).  Every single character in the movie was a cartoon and I don’t actually think this was an intentional homage to the source material.  The only one it worked with was Hit Girl, whose bad mouth and bad attitude save the movie from being an utter waste of time.  The movie was predictable and the direction was uninspired.  The main character was uninteresting, and even though I think that maybe there was supposed to be some message in there about ordinary people getting in over their heads when they try to make a difference in a heartless world, it got somewhat lost when the machine gun enhanced jetpack made its appearance.   And blowing the bad guy up with a bazooka?  Cheap and easy.

By the end of this movie Kick Ass, whose goals as a superhero once extended to finding lost cats, has murdered several people and enjoyed it.  Bloodshed has paid off for him; Pretty Girl no longer thinks he’s gay and can hardly keep her hands off him.  Even his nerdy friend is basking in his glory and scoring with a real live girl.  Hit Girl is now an orphaned 11 year old girl, albeit one with a body count as impressive as her vocabulary.  She’s enrolled in a real school but it’s hard to imagine that she has any hope of having any kind of normal childhood.  The last time we see her she is preparing to get medieval on a couple of her pushy classmates.  Chris, who once wanted only to be closer to his dad, has also killed several people, taken over his father’s crime business, and decided to become a super villain.  He even quotes The Joker.

Yeah.  Win-win all around.

Score  Fail.

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~ by gun street girl on September 3, 2010.

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