crap i have watched recently #10

barnabus collinsDark Shadows (2012):  This movie was so bad there are no words for it.  Well, maybe one.

Score:  Fail.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012):  So, apparently this movie is a favorite to win some Oscars.  Oh, wait, that’s the other Abraham Lincoln movie.  Well then…that changes things.  There is not too much to say about this movie either, although not because it was unspeakably bad.  It’s a little nothing of a movie that was born of the brief fascination with mashing up horror and history and/or classic fiction (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Little Women and Werewolves, etc.)   Vampires are masquerading as plantation owners in the American South.  They’ve got a tidy little system of buying up slaves by the boatload to serve as supper, because no one misses them when they disappear.  But they’ve decided they want more and so start to come North.  Abraham Lincoln, as you probably have guessed by now, moonlights (heh) as a vampire hunter.  He is helped by a good vampire and by his wife Mary Todd Lincoln (much less crazy than in real life), a free black man that he befriended in childhood, and a shop keeper who he met when he was studying law.  He wields a special silver-bladed axe because apparently he was never good with a pistol.  He sets aside vampire hunting when he becomes president but when the vampires send soldiers to Gettysburg he decides to mix it up again.  Lots of hijinks involving silver, fighting on burning trains, explosions, and the Underground Railroad ensue.

There’s no humor in this movie, not even unintentional.  You’d think a movie that posits that the  Emancipation Proclamation was devised as way to deprive vampires of their food would have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, but you would be wrong.  Even the ninja-with-an-axe training sessions are played straight.  So, we must conclude that this is a documentary.  And who’s to say it’s any less the truth than that other move?

Score:  Meh.

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~ by gun street girl on December 28, 2012.

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